


lights will guide you home

by hueue



Series: su has me by the THROAT [4]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Steven goes crazy aaaah go stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:20:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25312987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hueue/pseuds/hueue
Summary: A lot changed about Steven the day he returned from space, he kept disappearing for months at a time and coming back...different than before. He kept insisting he was fine but it started to feel less and less true.Or: Steven Universe is a human being
Relationships: Lars Barriga & Steven Universe, Sadie Miller & Steven Universe
Series: su has me by the THROAT [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575244
Comments: 18
Kudos: 201





	lights will guide you home

**Author's Note:**

> im SOFT about Steven and the townies bro, so enjoy this!!!! or else

Things became different the second after that strange ship made out of multicolored body parts landed on the shore; bringing Steven, his family, that Connie Maheswaran girl (Steven’s girlfriend? Nobody had ever clarified who she was to him), and three gargantuan Gems―two of which had been seemingly deadset on destroying Steven during the wedding but now doted on him with a smile. 

Sure, the small seaside town suddenly became home to a lot more Gems, a settlement was built on its outskirts, and many more spaceships were seen coming and going―that was hard to get used to, honestly. But if one were to ask what was  _ really  _ different, they would all say the same name: Steven.

Nobody saw Steven for six months after the new Gems moved in. 

People noticed immediately, the kid had been a constant in the town but had seemingly disappeared off the face of the Earth without a moment’s notice. When Vidalia asked Greg what happened, he shrugged and pointed up to the sky, “He’s up there doing good like he always does.” he smiled, proudly. 

When Jamie went to drop off Steven’s mail, he was typically greeted by one of the Gems or even Connie who promised to get it into Steven’s hands. The Gems who had been  _ uncorrupted  _ (whatever that meant) were being cared for by more familiar faces but still, no Steven. 

― 

Maybe the town threw him a massive 15 th  birthday in some bid to get him to return, which he did. Finally. Lars mussed up his hair with a noogie, Sadie and her suspects took turns taking him into tight hugs, Ronaldo tried to grill him on where he’d been, and...and all the new Gems seemed  _ afraid  _ to speak to him. No, they weren’t afraid, they  _ revered  _ him. Every time he tried to greet them, they threw their hands up in a salute and called him ‘radiant’ or ‘lustrous’ or ‘glimmering’. Steven’s face would fall and he’d mutter, “You don’t have to do that.” then the Gem would insist because he was their  _ Diamond  _ (they’d always say that word with quiet wonder). 

The teens managed to tear him away from the party later in the night, and sat in a circle on the beach outside of Steven’s house. Steven was leaned against his pink Lion with Connie sitting right next to him, their hands locked together like a lifeline. 

“So, what’s up with all the saluting?” Peedee asked, sipping from a soda can. The teens had voted to include him instead of his older brother, who’d been trying to corner Steven to talk about his newest theory all night. 

Steven groaned, sounding much more like a teenager than he had before his absence, “They think they have to do it  _ but they don’t!  _ I’m trying to get the Gems on Homeworld to stop too, it’s impossible.” 

Jenny raised an eyebrow, “Why though? Why do they think they gotta salute you?”

“It’s a status thing.” he explained, “I’m a...Diamond…” (he said that word just quietly) “and Diamonds are supposed to be shown ‘respect’ and blah, blah, blah. Yellow and Blue expect it all the time from every Gem and White never leaves her head long enough to even  _ speak  _ to anybody, it’s just so  _ arrrgh.”  _

Connie rolled her thumb against his hand, “Have you and White talked about…”

Steven’s eyes widened, he went pale, “No. No, no, no.” 

“Steven―!”

_ “Anyways!”  _ he interrupted, looking desperate to escape whatever Connie was trying to ask him, “Homeworld stuff is...annoying but things  _ are  _ getting better and soon enough the entire Empire will be dismantled!” 

“Yeah. Down with the man.” Buck approved, dapping Steven’s fist. 

“Woo, anarchy!” Sour Cream whooped, whirling the remnants of his whole pants-turn-into-shorts bit around. 

Lars leaned back in the sand, staring up at the stars, “Is it weird that I still can’t believe you’re a  _ Diamond _ , Steven?” he chuckled, “I mean, Rhodonite nearly unfused when she found out you were...wait, which one are you?” 

“Pink. Pink Diamond.” he answered, biting his lip, “But I’m not! I’m Steven! I’m Steven Universe.” Connie laid her free hand on his shoulder, concern laced across her features. Steven swallowed then exhaled sharply, “But, yes, I’m Pink Diamond.” 

There was a beat of silence, Sadie’s expression softened, “Steven, are you okay?” 

“Yes.” he said, his hand clamped tight over his shirt (protectively?), “Why wouldn’t I be.” 

Then he was gone again, after thanking the town for celebrating his birthday with him and playing a song with Sadie, he was dead to the world. 

― 

Lars didn’t recognize him the next time he came back. 

All he knew was that there had been a person in a pink jacket in the lobby of his pastry shop that hadn’t bought anything in the past thirty minutes and had just by laying his head on the table silently. 

“Buddy.” Lars piped up, taking a break from restocking the moon cakes, “You have to buy something if you want to stay in here.” 

The person lifted his head and Lars was nearly blown off his feet; it was Steven, just going off his rounded features and head of ringlets but he was nearly twice the size he had been the last time he saw him, “Lars?” 

And his voice was much deeper. Lars wiped the surprise off his face, “Y..Yeah?”

“Why’re you here?” 

“This is my shop. I’ve had it for, like, three months now.” 

Steven looked around, Lars braced for a high-pitched shout of amazement that Steven managed at any and every slightly remarkable thing but instead he just said, “Oh.” 

Then Lars noticed the red around his eyes and the slight stuffiness in his voice, “Hey, man, you okay?” Steven nodded, evidence to the contrary be damned, “Can I...get you anything?” 

“I-I didn’t bring any money.”

“C’mon, Steven, it’s on the house.” 

He frowned slightly, “But...your business…” 

“I would literally be dead if it wasn’t for you, I think I’ll manage.” 

Steven sniffed, “Okay-y, um, coffee, please?”

“Coffee?” Lars echoed, “Since when did you start drinking coffee?”

“Since I stopped sleeping.” it sounded like he was trying to make a joke but it fell flat, he realized this, “Sorry. Um, two sugars in it, please, and three creams.” 

The former captain made the drink without much fanfare, even adding a donut with the order because  _ goddamn  _ it looked like the kid needed one. He sat it down in front of Steven, sitting himself down right across from him, “So…” he drawled, “didja just grow three feet overnight or what?”

That at least managed to get a smile out of him, “Feels like it.” he sat up straight in his chair, more poised that Lars had ever seen from him, “It’s nice to actually look my age now, dumb shapeshifting power’s finally working with me.” 

He furrowed his brow, “Are you shapeshifting all the time? Isn’t that bad…?”

“No, no, my shapeshifting is based on my emotions. Literally  _ all _ my powers are.” he grumbled the last part, taking a sip for the cup, “I looked eight for so long because that’s how I felt but I guess I feel fifteen now.” 

“So, you could look any age?” Steven nodded, Lars playfully batted his shoulder, “Dude, I had to use a fake ID at your age and you’re telling me you just gotta convince yourself you’re twenty-one?” 

Steven snickered, “I don’t drink, Lars. I’m a minor.” 

“Oh, it’s like you're  _ dedicated  _ to being boring.” 

“Maybe.” he said, he took a longer sip, “This is good coffee.”

“ _ Thank you _ , my Diamond.” he joked, bowing with a flourish.

Steven stiffened, “Don’t.”

Lars frowned, “Sorry, man, I didn―”

“I hear that from  _ everybody  _ on Homeworld, I  _ don’t  _ want to hear it here.” he sighed, laying his head on the table again, “Sorry...I’m sorry.” 

“Steven.” he crossed his arms, trying to take up the ‘big brother’ role he sometimes felt for Steven, “What’s going on?” 

He propped his head up against his hand, “I-I sort of ran away from Homeworld. Well, not  _ ran away _ , I just didn’t tell the Diamonds where I was going.” 

“Because…?” he prompted.

“They were having one of their, I dunno, tantrums? We were talking about the Empire and they were pissed that I was asking them to give up power...and they called me Pink a-and then Wh-White got…” his eyes welled up again, his chin trembling. His hand was gripping the fabric of his now-blue shirt, “White just got  _ too close _ to me a-and I just ran.” 

Lars didn’t even think about joking about him finally using language stronger than ‘heck’, he leaned across the table with sincere eyes, “Did White Diamond do something to you?” 

Steven nodded tearily but anticipated Lars’ next question, “I can’t talk about i-it. It’s jus-just too much? And I...I haven’t even told the Gems, only Connie kn-nows.” 

A chill ran up his spine at the thought of something  _ Steven  _ couldn’t handle. Something that would take the same kid who put himself on trial for a crime that he hadn’t committed with a punishment of his death and  _ insisted  _ that he was guilty―something that would take that same kid and turn him into a sleepless, crying mess. What could Lars say to that?

“I’m so sorry.” 

Steven laid his head on the table again. 

―

When Steven returned to Beach City, he was smiling and singing about how  _ bright  _ the future was for him and his family. He looked like he old self, before all the  _ difference  _ had clouded his being. 

_ Nothing to fear, no one to fight!  _

Then the giant injector had pierced the hill his house sat beneath, danger returning right to his doorstep. Steven was sent off running again. The townsfolk spotted him being trailed by a bouncy pink Gem who called him her new best friend, then he was fusing with his father in the middle of Sadie’s concert (he had looked near dead when he separated but hadn’t stopped for even a second), then he and the same pink Gem, now all dark and angry, were having it out at the top of the injector. They all watched in silent terror as Steven scaled the side of it, his sandals slipping sometimes. 

There was a fight, if the flashes of light and the yelling was anything to go off of. When the thing finally  _ exploded,  _ everybody held their breath. Greg stifled a cry but the stocky Gem, Garnet, had adjusted her visor and announced with a smile,  _ “He’s okay!”  _

His family had gone off to collect him and a few minutes later, he was climbing out of Greg’s van to the cheers of everybody he’d just saved. Steven waved at them tiredly, turning to Mayor Nanefau and asking, “Is everybody okay? Everybody’s okay, right?” she assured him that  _ yes _ , everybody was fine and the damage to the town could be fixed. Steven released a breath, “Good.” 

“But how are you?” she returned, Steven looked put off by the question. He shrugged, 

“Fine.” then shot off into a different topic, “Now, Spinel’s gone off with the Diamonds so that should keep her busy for a while  _ but…”  _ his voice trailed off as the two of them walked off to survey the damage. 

The Snowflake Obsidian besides Sadie guffawed, “He let that Spinel  _ live?  _ I’m surprised she isn’t a pile of pretty glass right now, hah!” 

Sadie felt offended by the implication that Steven of all people would hurt somebody, she huffed, “Steven isn’t like that.”

Snowflake Obsidian scoffed, like Sadie had just said something wildly ill-informed, “He’s a Diamond.”

“So?” 

“Every Diamond hits their breaking point.” she insisted, “He’s a nice kid, I’ll give him that but he’s got that coding inside of him still. At some point, somebody’ll push him too far.” 

Sadie turned away, disgusted by even the idea of it. The sweet kid who used to make her shifts at the Big Donut bearable with his infectious energy and practically forced her into her new, rockstar life would  _ never  _ even think of hurting somebody. 

Not Steven. Never Steven

― 

Nobody saw much of him for the next few months. 

He was always working on something and didn’t have time to hang out with people like he used to. But, as it’s so famous for, life continued on. Things changed, people drifted apart and people came together, and things in a general sense were different in a good way. 

Steven didn’t seem to think so, though. He had had an...episode at the Off-Color’s graduation―an episode was the only way any of the attendants could put it. None of them had ever seen the normally happy-go-lucky teenager simply  _ lose his cool  _ like he had that night in that claustrophobic dome that squeezed ever so closer the longer Steven spiralled. 

But the dome had disappeared, life had gone on, and Steven became a mystery again. 

Sadie and Shep were halfway out of Delmarva, ready to continue their tour with Mr. Universe as their manager by the time he had gotten a call that had made him freeze up and whip the van around without explanation. They’d just gotten the words ‘Steven’ and ‘hospital’ out of him before he shut up entirely and focused on driving back to Sadie’s place to drop them off. Sadie’s heart beat frantically in her chest as she watched Greg’s van peel off towards the state hospital once they got out, Shep wrapped their arms around her whispering soothing words into her hair. Sadie managed to text the group chat she had with the former suspects and Lars before panic fully overtook her, all of them were asking the same questions about Steven’s wellbeing that she just didn’t have the answers to. Lars made a promise to get back to Earth as quickly as he could. 

She stayed up late into the night waiting for some sort of update and, finally, she got one when Greg called her after so many hours of radio silence. 

“What happened?!” she asked, forgoing the usual formalities. 

“I...I don’t really know.” he sounded impossibly tired, “His powers, they were, um, acting up and I think it was hurting him. He said it was fine but…” he sighed, “he’s asleep now and I’m probably going to stay over here tonight just to make sure he’s okay. I’m really sorry about this guys.”

Shep craned their head over, “Don’t even worry about it, Mr. U. Tell Steven we said we hope he gets well soon.” 

“I will.” he said, “It’s going to be okay.”

― 

The next call she got from Mr. Universe was a frantic plea asking if she’d seen him in the past two days―because he was missing. Because he ran away. After crashing his van because he’d ripped the steering wheel from its socket. 

Sadie had nearly keeled over after this onslaught of information but had told him that she hadn’t seen him since the graduation. She’d wanted to ask questions but Mr. Universe had hung up right after her answer, clearly better things to do than answer pointless questions while his son was missing. Again, Shep had been there to comfort her while she updated the group, all of them responding with similar panic. 

“I just don’t get it.” she whispered into Shep’s embrace as her phone pinged with questions. 

Barely fifteen minutes later, she and the others were squeezed into Jenny’s car, driving around Beach City to look for Steven. They didn’t have any luck, he was gone. 

“He’s gotta be okay, right?!” Jenny asked, “He’s  _ Steven!  _ He’s always okay...” __

Sadie bit her thumb, “I don’t think Steven’s been okay for a long time.” 

― 

Nobody in Beach City heard anything else about Steven until the day the massive monster appeared on his beach, roaring and attacking his family with vicious ferocity before it disappeared into thin air. 

The Gems in Little Homeworld had seen  _ things,  _ though. And they had learned how to gossip. 

Bixbite told Kiki that she saw the Diamond kid destroy a greenhouse with his sentient creatures. Little Larimar told Nanefua that the Diamond kid had felled a house with just his scream. Snowflake Obsidian told Mr. Smiley that the Diamond kid had lost it completely, that he had hit his breaking point.

But none of Steven’s family were saying anything, they hadn’t been seen since the monster that had even managed to bring  _ White Diamond  _ to her knees. Connie was still coming and going but on a bike instead of her typical transport of Steven’s Lion.

Lars managed to flag her down one day, the young girl slowing to a stop right before she reached the beach, “Lars?” she asked, removing her helmet, “When did you get back? Steven told me you went back into space.”

“I did but then Sadie texted me some stuff that really freaked me out.” 

Connie bit her lip, “About Steven?”

“Yeah. About him, she said he went  _ missing?  _ After going to the  _ hospital?  _ And that just doesn’t really sound like him, y’know?”

“I know.” 

“Well, is he...is he back now?”

“Yes.” she glanced to the beach, “He’s back but I don’t think he’s ready for visitors yet, Lars. He’s still recovering and―”

“Did that monster thing hurt him?!” Lars worried, “Shit, is it bad?” 

Connie closed her eyes, “It’s...it’s not great.” 

Lars trembled on his feet, “Look, Connie, me and the gang w-we just want to see him. Can you ask him if he’s okay to see us? Please?” 

She sighed, “I-I can try. He might not be awake now” the fact that it was midday only made that statement more worrying, “but I can try.” 

“Thank you.” he breathed, the girl went off up the beach as Lars texted a message to the others. For all they knew, this could be their one chance of seeing Steven for a very long time. His phone buzzed with promises to meet him soon, Lars sat on the bench and waited. Connie took long enough to come back that all six of them (Shep had wanted to join) were waiting by the time she stepped out from behind the marred hill and hesitantly gestured for them to follow her. 

None of them wasted any time, all jumping up and racing across the beach until they were in front of Connie. She looked nervous. 

“Okay, so,” she began, “Steven is...he’s not in good shape and I know none of you guys are used to seeing him like that. He’s usually  _ fine.”  _ she said the word with so much venom, “Just...please don’t ask what happened to the house and if he starts getting overwhelmed you guys might have to leave. He’s still Steven, he just needs a bit more patience.” 

Jenny clutched the flowers she had brought for him―a dozen pink roses, “What happened to him?” 

Connie eyed the flowers, “Are those roses?” Jenny nodded, Connie stiffened, “You can’t bring those in.”

“What? Is he allergic? I just...I remember him saying his mom’s name was Rose and I thought it’d be nice to―”

“She’s the  _ last  _ person he wants to think about. Trust me.” she took the bouquet and set them in her bike’s basket, “I’ll take them home, don’t worry.” 

Without any other words, she led them up the stairs to Steven’s thoroughly  _ wrecked  _ house. The entire front wall was replaced with a tarp and they would see cracks all around every surviving window. Connie led them through into the house, the Gems inside looking up like security alarms. The purple one, Amethyst pointed discreetly to the couch where Steven sat. 

Their hearts sunk once they saw him. He was pale and looked  _ exhausted,  _ he had dark purple bruises at his hairline and bandages peeking out from under his shirt; he tried to wave but winced halfway through. (None of them had ever seen Steven with  _ damage  _ before)

“H-Hey man.” Lars murmured, gingerly taking further steps inside. Steven’s Lion peered at him through narrowed eyes as he got closer. 

“Hi.” Steven croaked, “You’re back.” 

“I always come back, I’d never leave my first mate behind.” he was too afraid to even jokingly punch his shoulder, he looked way too fragile. Lars tried to ignore the red hospital band around Steven’s wrist and the crescent-shaped indents in his skin. 

The rest joined him, waving. Steven looked tiredly between them, “Hello.”

“Hi, Steven.” Jenny sat on the couch, “How are you feeling?” 

He shrugged, “I’m fine.”

“AHT!” Amethyst warned, picking up a spray bottle from behind the counter, “Remember what we said, dude.” 

Steven crossed his arms, “I’m in pain but not a lot. The painkillers are helping. Happy, now?” 

Amethyst smiled, “Delighted.” 

He rolled his eyes, pulling the blanket that sat over his lap to cover his shoulders, it clearly pained him to do so. Sadie sat next to him with Shep by her side, “Is there... _ anything _ we can do?”

He shook his head, “Not much.” 

“Well, um,” she scratched her neck, “everybody misses you back in town. Even Onion, ha.” Steven nodded minutely, looking like he might pass out at any second. She placed a hand on his shoulder, he flinched so she pulled it away. “We’re just...we’re glad you’re okay. All of us. Wh-When your dad texted us you were missing, we were so w―”

“You know.” Steven lit up bright pink, much like he had at the graduation. His chest heaved and his neon hands gripped at the blanket; the humans could see the Gems’ faces fall in the corner of their eyes, “You know about everything. H-He told you, didn’t he? He told you everything and wh-what I did and it was a  _ mistake,  _ I promise, I promise, I promise! Oh, stars, everybody knows. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Sour Cream tried to step in to comfort him but Steven was hot to the touch, like a star going supernova, “Stop! I don’t want―I don’t want to hurt you, I’m―oh, stars. I’m a monster.” he hyperventilated. 

Garnet moved from her station behind the counter, “Steven, you’re safe, you―”

“ _ Leave me alone!”  _

A pink wall appeared, bisecting the house. The Gems on one side, the humans and Steven on the other. Connie ran to Steven’s side, taking his hand while his Lion pawed to get up on the couch. Sadie and Shep moved to let the big cat take up his spot right next to his owner, licking his face while Steven sobbed. 

The Gems sat outside of the wall with varying looks of despair on their faces. 

Connie held his hand to her chest, “Okay, just breathe. You’re panicking and you think you’re in danger but you’re not. Nobody here wants to hurt you.” Steven shook his head, his mouth shut tight, “You’re safe.” she turned back to the stunned humans, “Right?”

They all chorused with varying affirming words. 

“You’re our friend, Steven.” Buck insisted, “We’re here because we care about you.” 

“And we don’t care what happened.” Lars added, referring to whatever made Steven so scared to talk to them.

“All that matters is that you’re okay.” Sadie said, softening her expression, “You’re still our Steven.” 

Steven muttered, calming down enough to stop clenching Connie’s hand so tightly, “I-I did some really bad things. I really messed up…” 

Shep sighed, “Steven, you’re sixteen. You’re allowed to mess up. From what Sadie’s told me, I dunno, maybe you haven’t had a lot of chances to just be sixteen.” 

He coughed out a watery laugh, “You could say that.” he took a deep breath, “Th-Thanks for coming, you guys.” 

“Do you want us to leave?” 

He sat up, “No! No, I want you guys here. Please don’t leave.” he pleaded, “I haven’t had a lot of ‘quality human being’ time in a really long time and I think it kind of messed me up.” 

Sour Cream nodded, “Yeah, man, I haven’t seen you in months! The human beings squad has been missing a member.”

Steven’s eyes went wide, his diamond-shaped pupils focusing, “I’m a part of the human beings squad?” he whispered, Jenny smiled, 

“You’re human, aren’t you?” 

“Yeah.” the color finally faded, he smiled, “Yeah, I am.” 

― 

They saw a lot of Steven after that day. 

Every day at least one of them would go visit to check on him or they’d hold group video chats where they played games and joked like normal young adults. And once the Gems had finally let Steven off house arrest, they made it a point to do every stereotypical teenager thing they could. Sneaking around Funland after dark was a bit tricky as Steven used a cane for a limp he’d sustained from his accident but Mr. Smiley pretended not to see them if he ever managed to catch them. He’d even taken a sip of something alcoholic at one of Sour Cream’s bonfires before spitting it out and wondering aloud why  _ anybody _ would enjoy that. 

Beach City was happy to have Steven back. Nobody seemed to care about what had held him back for so long. 

It didn’t take long for people to connect some dots, though. The monster on the beach had been pink with a small gem on its stomach and Steven could shapeshift. Steven had scars along his back in the same way the monster had had spikes. And Steven didn’t like to talk about the monster. 

It didn’t help that Steven had answered Kiki’s question of, “Where have you been?!” with: “Fresh out the psych ward!” 

It didn’t matter, though. Steven was Steven. Even Ronaldo had dropped his investigation on what the monster could be once the answer revealed itself. Beach City was just glad to have him back. 

He still had bad days―days where he jumped and snapped at everything or turned pink and destroyed whatever glass was closest to him. But those days were fewer and farther between the further they got from the monster incident: Most days Steven was just regular old Steven. He’d even started making bad jokes again, smiling with stars in his eyes, and talking too loud when he got excited, just like he had before he’d become Pink Diamond. He’d started seeing a therapist because, as he’d put it, his mental health was ‘unfortunate’.

Nobody ever asked what exactly had led to the monster, what had been so bad that he’d panicked at the thought of people knowing about it―because it didn’t matter. The kid had saved the town a hundred times over and been a light to so many people.

The least they could do was let him be human.

**Author's Note:**

> steven: i did bad things  
> the teens, thinking he means like...crashed a car: it's chill, everybody makes mistakes  
> steven "double murder" universe: h


End file.
